Rain

Rains makes me wet
And with memories I am left
Rains make me sweat
And reminds me of action infinite
Rains make me hate
The touch I cannot forget
Rains agitate
The more I think the less I get
Rains teaches a lesson
Cleanse and get ready for the season
The season of infatuation
The season full of existence
Rains give me the motive
The motive to subsist

Composing

I see symphonies in the clouds,
violin bows drifting in ancient time,
my mind's eye time lapses -
and the music plays as I watch.

A synthetic wind from passing cars
blows my hair keeping time,
it metronomes my cheek
silently keeping the rythmn.

My soul makes this music from nothing,
out of the day I play internally,
the notes unsounded aloud --
are still astonishingly beautiful.

Purely coincidental as it may seem

Purely coincidental as it seems
Incidences are not just they seem
Nothing just happens
Everything that happens has a reason
And therefore…..I am alive too
Purely coincidental as it may seem

Broken hearts and tears around
Note the coincidence that surrounds
If you cannot face the pain
Your old self....You'll never regain!
You might blame it on the game
But if you don’t learn...the incident might happen again
Purely coincidental as it may seem

I remember the time I met her,
I remember the eyes that looked into mine!
But the thought of coincidence, refrained my heart,
And now with wounded heart my eyes rain...
Don't blame it on just happening things
Life is not coincidence as it may seem.

Lot 56

It was Sotheby’s
where they sold off
the last of you and me.

You stunned me
with it, breathless,
it’s nothing,
you said.

I would scarcely admit it,
how deep it touched me,
how I ran my fingers over it -
something for my Doll.

Dark brown
to match your eyes,
and I smiled that smile
that you love.

Long after there were nights
I held onto it, a glimmer
in my eyes, as I missed
and missed you.

My Love Life

I am just a black eyed tragedy,
surrounded by luck in everything
except love, in this I crash and burn.

I never seem to be able to love
someone enough, or is it -
that I love too much, either way...

I lose and lose and when I think
I can't lose anymore I lose again,
my heart is never free.. always it dictates.

Orders passed down through lifetimes,
cosmic imperatives, mystic objectives
that must come to be in this universe,

These things lead me back to you,
and I can't give you up even though
I've tried, but in reality - its simple --

I just can't bare to part with you,
I don't want to be without you -
Its like a sunflower trying to live without the sun.

I need you to make sense of my day,
to understand how I remember things
I couldn't possibly know, and yet I do.

Save me from myself, pick me up
once again like I am the only thing
that matters, wipe away the soot.

Tower Bound

Night drags in and I kick the walls,
but you do not hear me, I wait
in the silence of the dark, skin
itching creeping on the underside.

I am born and broken every glance,
nothing new I've been here before,
suitors at the door and I am lying
on the floor, unable to scratch
that twitch, the itch.

I exhale in moans not meant to be heard
that echo into the night like phermones
set free, seeking and searching as I
sit in my tower ignoring the knocking,
paying no attention to the bleeding walls,
and my hands hurt, short and cut.

I threw my red vase against the wall,
and it splatterstained that awful red,
staring at me, blaming me in raised voices
and still there is nothing I can do but wait,
as the door breathes and the walls press in,
seeking that seductive voice I thought I hid so well.

The Dancer

Don't cry Juliette, just keep dancing,
if you turn fast enough no one can see
your tears, you can hide yourself
amongst the confusion.

Dance your broken heart Juliette,
they watch with eager eyes,
embrace the pain, tell your
story within the lines of movement.

You make breaking an art,
they stare in awe,
such appreciation as you fall,
but no one helps you up – just applause.

Excuse me please: All That Remains...

Excuse me please: All That Remains... good one buddy

On Peacock Lane

The old oak is draped
in Spanish moss
under whose shade,
we lay.

Two bodies
lying crosshatched,
point of intersections,
intimacy of avenues,
boulevard of contented sighs,
we are lulled by the sounds
of blue-greened fowl.

Dancing in arrogant male fashion
each has their particular swagger
plumed and crested, preening
to look their best, all in the hopes
of a quick coupling.

You too have preened and pranced
to look your best, my eyes
attest your truth, unable to look
away, I have been lured, wooed
and so I lie in your arms.

Keep on Shining

I tacked the moon to my door
with a thin silver nail, it shines
there still, full and round.

I sit by dad on the couch,
his hair filled with thin silver
nails, his eyes are tired
but still we watch old movies
starring Elvis.

Mom sighs seeing Elvis,
he still makes her heart race
I sometimes see her look
at dad that way.

I watch them together
laughing and smiling,
"I am glad my daughter
can see love like that."

I sit in the glow
of TV light alone;
bed has called all
away save me.

All that is left
is that paper moon,
the silver nail, and
Elvis in black and white.

The Old Water Oak

A green waterfall of moss
flows down the uneven trunk
of the trinity of branches
grown together fused
into a single limb.

His natural cracks lined
deeper hues of grays and browns,
his bark freckled with pale bluegray
lichens covers his upward spreading branches
fanning out like an umbrella skeleton,
stretched under those emerald almond leaves.

I watch the sun shifting shadows
through his leaves, molting his skin
in warm shapes of light that move
with the breeze, and when the clouds
come, he is covered in darkness
like a shroud, but he is darkest
when it rains, stained in near black
tones of brown, he takes no cover
but stands in the rain.

Random wild thoughts

To the wild child……………………and trust me till date I have not found a word synonymous to wild child. Hence i better stick to the term "Wild Child" With her intense terminologies she deforms you in the cozy touch. Then splendidly comes the blow. The axe and two parts. Every part watching carefully, observing. Not the distance but the ordinariness they felt when engulfed. The agitation so quite. The fire so cold. The ice so dry. Words that never lie. The vision so crippled and a lighthouse. Nomads to the direction of there house. Blood marking the footnote. Rains so salty. Some day withered in the pain one shall reach the destiny.

This is dedicated to your poetries. Not that i excatly feel the same when i read all of them, but just a fragment of what came to my mind is displayed here.
Forgiveness be tendered*...............my words are at you mercy.

* just in case if you mind what i have written.

Ivy’s Poison Spreads Vegetatively - 2

Tongue pierced Alice Ivy
wrong side of the tracks
takes several trips
to set the stage.

Wash your hands
of mother’s words
just come home.

Snake charming
she moves
clad in pearl strands
flipping the moon.

Only on stage
Alice Ivy finds
a way to slip
into wonderland.

Juvenile Leaves Creeping - 1

Alice Ivy wonderland,
blue haired hare,
she spoke softly
when she said
my name.

Down the drain -
down with pain,
swallow it now
Ivy Alice.

Dance naked
tattooed paradise,
Tiptop toes
and killer kisses,
sell me your sadness.

A dime
bag of memories,
cold Alice in the ground
Ivy grows on her grave
she beckons me
to wonderland.

We Danced Like Intended

You wrote your name skillfully
on every ruled line in my dance card,
your eyes burning into me as your hand
mechanically flowed down in a fury of pen strokes.

My lips parted, a slight disbelief
at your presumption to fill all my time,
and you smiled that devilish wicked curve
across your alluring face, my heart
dared not to breath out or breath in
in that spanse of moments, and I
became light-headed in a rush
of attraction highs.

You paid no attention to anyone else
I was your only interest,
you claimed me dance after dance
as the others watched on in envy -
envy of you taking me in your arms,
envy of me being held by you,
envy of the friction building within motions,
envy of the smoldering chemistry
that left onlookers heaving with desire.

My body responded to yours,
to every slight of movement
as if you had always commanded it,
I could only think of the closeness,
the way you smelled, the tension,
that look in your eyes.

Every part of me quivered
with anticipation as the night climaxed
the dancing done, we two on the veranda.
I leaning back against the corner post
covered in climbing jasmine, sweet
the fragrance mingled in the night,
you pressed in, a breath from my lips
as you charmed me with your smile again
making my knees go weak, and I
look into your eyes telling you I am yours
completely, you claim your kiss
savage, deep, unbridled as your spirit,
pushing the length of your body to mine,
and I am undone, I am ruined in that moment -
your kiss has imprinted upon my very soul,
and as you pull away, running into the black of night,
a tear escapes my delicate lashes, for the beauty,
the sensuality, the way you took
dance after dance, the way you claimed
me in a single kiss.

Yet Again

Stormed my life
With the wind
Shattered glass
Trickling blood
Drop by drop
Homicidal attribute
With that gaze
And that grin
I forbid you
From wandering
With the lethal weapon
And the lifeless cry
I open the door
Yet again

Big Boss Season 1 – (My Pangeans)

The moment I listen to these words Big Boss. I am showered with the memory of Big Boss season-1 in which I was one of the participants. The most rocking ever. It all started with my come back to Pangea after the deceitful return of venturing my opportunities outside Pangea. I owe a big thank to Anthony who helped me get in again and bestowed in me the confidence and waved me to “The” most important project of Pangea. Few people in Pangea where selected for that project and the list was out much before I joined Pangea. My entry in the project was like a wild card entry on a 1st day ( I know according to the rule book of Big Boss there is no wild card on the 1st day but I just want to honor myself by adding a feature to my cap.)
We all were sent to our old office back in Makers Chamber. There were mixed reactions of people who had come there. Amongst the people in the project there were very few I knew and the rest where like completely novel to me. My manager was Miss Rachita Maker, till some point of time in life I was surviving under the impression that she is in some way connected to the person who owns Makers Chamber. Rachita was the person who was the tipping point for my journey with Pangea she was the person who interviewed me.

Day 1

I wish I could name the project. Confidentiality is the vertebrae of legal profession and wish to profess the same…..so I better restrain or rather abstain myself from doing so. We had a person named Mr. Seth flying from US to tender us the required training. And we in turn were responsible to carve the product well and present the fantastic work product with no mistake. even a comma or a full stop; I think I should stop it now. The day before Anthony told me to be at the office at 9.00 am sharp. After the formal round of introduction by Anthony the training session started. The training commenced in a common board room which was multi functional and multi dimensional, Oh! I got a term for that, “optimum utilization of a resource”

Now about our work stations and why I call it “Big Boss”, bound by the obligation of our clients, our work station where setup in a room which was completely under vigilance a strange eye was always watching us through a closed circuit television. Moreover we where not allowed to take our cell phone or any device which would help virtual transmission of data. Now completely a big boss scenario, add to the flavor we where 13 characters in the project when it took off.

The organic growth

The training session went on for almost a week’s time and everyone was organically growing with the project, individually, and as team. I meet few new people whom I had seen around in office and had never spoken to. We all hold a pre-conceived notion about a person before even we could speak to them and a project like this helped break that barrier. I had never known so many people better at the same time. Man it was an experience and I think it holds true for everyone who was part of that project. Finally the project started and we where glued to our machines, the catch of this project was there were dual monitors to every CPU and two people at a time where supposed to work on a document. This was almost like a dual headed person, which created a lot of problems initially, but was later discovered as device of mutual connection and understanding. For people who disliked it was more of ‘Do it’ thing without an excuse.

Topics of discussion

As much as we had fun in the project, the work we did was a task in itself, and to get it off what can be better than a sutta break. Almost everyone in the team was a suttebaz except the few, who eventually joined the group as passive smokers. This was the place with sutta and some exquisite range of coffees served by our own Laljibhai. We also had a sutta art which was engrafted on one of the walls. Big Boss season was the topic of discussion and everyone had his/her own favorite character, some how people started identifying each other as characters of BB. Rivya (Rakhi Sawant) with her nautanki-baz jokes, songs and episodes almost kick-started the session and she used to make sure that everyone present there was involved in it. By just saying “Suno Na”. The only person who disliked discussion about the holy topic of BB was Nimish; he dislikes things that are commonly liked, thus making him a distinguished character. And later the topic moved from latest news to someone’s mental impression to anything and everything.

I still remember Maniti sharing her Mom’s & Dad’s romantic time especially the song “hai hai yeh majburi” and also the trip. Maniti and her fatal words were just like greeting and no one could ever feel bad about them. And to shake off the boredom there was a punch line “Zindagi Zandua”. The standard answer for any question which was raised to Kamal was standard………………”Standard Hai”

@ Work

At our work stations everyone was dedicated, working to finish the project successfully. I had the pleasure of meeting the fastest human being ever Vicky (Meghana). Vicky had finished everything almost in half time and we realized it when we saw the logs at the end of the day. She was just too good and I think 20% of the project was done by Vicky and her partner initially. Her skill undoubtedly made her the QA and she was given the liberty to work individually. Anumeha always helped me with ratifications. We made a template which was used as a precedent for copy pasting sessions. There where few catch word which we eventually found out “consent unreasonably withheld”, “15 days”, “weather” my team would surely know what it means. I had a Google account which indicated the date of birth of renowned people; I realized that it was Einstein’s birthday and just thought of celebrating it and celebration turned into a greeting “Happy Birthday Einstein” which most of us share, Vishal’s girlfriend’s birthday is on the same day so he might have had double celebrations.

The Matrix dream

The work started happening with the fullest effect and the so was the review. We all were vigilant about the red slots on the log. It was the time in the project when there was miscommunication of what was conveyed to us. Rachita was pissed off with this and started retaliating to that effect. And this was the topic of discussion that whole day. The day ended in the most trilling way as it used to end on the project. That day was one of the fortunate days when there were no conflicting program on television and I had no interest clashes with my folks. I had the complete freedom of watching the movie (Matrix) in solace. I was completely soaked in the movie (Matrix) and was carefully watching the movie as if I was all set to write a review. I slept with a heavy head, which made me have a Matrix dream that night. The Pangean ship was attached by the agent. We ran and there was a chase. At the end there was some kind of super power and we won. The other day when I came to office. I saw my office folks discussing the same issue. I was embarrassed to share my dream at that time. But as the time went by I was comfortable with this group and I shared my dream with them. Just as the way I was excited they were also excited. The best thing that happened in these days of project was every one was on the same page and could know each other better, which is like an impossible thing in this era.

Foodilicous and fun session

Substantial amount of time in a week was spent together. Everyone was taking care and nurturing the eating habits in the team. It all started with a connoisseur of food undoubtedly Mr. Nimish. He was well abreast of which place serves the best of what. So our lunches included royal cuisines specially ordered from Zaffran, Status, Mc Donald, Relish etc. Almas also treated the whole team with the delicacies made by her mom. The crab biryani was the most rocking thing that I ever had till date…….Almas your mom gets a five star rating. Most of our weekend lunch session happened at Relish. After the heavy lunch sessions the team geared back to work or rather got ready for evening snacks with bhelpuri, papdi chat, Sev Puri, idli and sandwich. The evening times were the most amazing ones…….with the oldies and goldies of 70’s & 80’s we all know what was that session about also the famous dialogue “Na tu atti hai na Maut aati hai”. The thing most shocking then was about Maniti I never thought she would sing old song so melodiously I really appreciate that.


Dangerous Moments and Party scenes

Dear Samrat I hope you are really doing well in UK, dude you are one person who created the history. You had taken that Herculean step for which the whole of Manhood be proud of. (Kidding) Samrat never lost his temper even being a short tempered person, but I don’t know what went wrong that day but whatever………… its life and it happens koi baat nahin….. Laale.
Beedi jalaie, Sutta na mila this was like our national anthems we danced liked as if the song was crafted for us. Can’t write much about the party because after some time at the party I forgot what happened, no one did.

New folks and the end

The project was extended and some new lovely folks where added to the gang.
Nirvan, Reshmi, Sachin, Shefali, Anisha (Melody Queen)….. And forgive me if have missed someone. It was a junior senior scenario for sometime but thing became normal usual and the differences where waived of by time.
And such was the gang and the project ended with lots of fun in frolic, much as the last moment which I missed due to some reasons. But all in all

****THOSE WERE THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE****

27

I am twenty seven
And completely woven
In the tangles of thoughts
Of complexities and what not
Why can’t I be a normal being?
And be like a human being
Why do I care about less important things?
And ill thoughts keep lingering
To prove the difference
I am indifferent

Worlds Apart

I know I'll find you on that opposing shoreline
Somewhere, I know you're there in hiding
And this knowledge makes me; breaks me
Makes me want to tear these mountains asunder
Wake all the gods from their pacific slumber

Take these worlds apart
And then pull these oceans under....

With you....
Somewhere beyond this sea of sandstone
You're swimming in a perfectly pristine pool
Where water rolls like mercury over everything
Covering the beauty; keeping it safe
From everything that falls apart

Because where you are everything falls into place

Everything....
Is what I want from you
It's all I'm asking for
Once I'm through with running
Once I've traversed this wintry desert
And come finally home, I'm knocking on your door

All this time they say I've been running away
But I've known all the while
That through this lonely metropolitan wilderness
I've been sprinting for the other side
Just to touch and see your face

"S"

This is the 1st time ever i have posted a short story. I hope you guys like it.

I think I am the most detested person ever alive. When ever I ask for or insist from a person I never receive it. I am subjected to this discourteous world. I am been negated from every good. I don’t ask for anything great, just a Hi!! And a smile works fine with me. I wish that I shall be read. I ask you for few words but you completely give up. You are closing all doors that can lead me to you. I feel I am drifted away from the coast. The coast where I thought of building my own beautiful house. We cuddle each other in a hammock. Smooth music of wind weaving through the leaves, so soothing, so mesmerizing. Help me!!!!!!! Please help me!!!! I am howling please don’t let me go away from the coast.

All these thoughts came to my mind when I saw a person on a table next to me. I saw a deep pain in his eyes. Just as much I need substance to write I have to observe people to gather it. I saw a pack of cigarette on his table. I could sense the vibration, the agitation that he was enveloped in. I had explored a reason to communicate with him. I asked him for a light. He had a quick smile which almost lighted his face. He was a person in mid 30’s. He had a messy and a devastated look. That brightness in his eyes for those micro-seconds made me feel he was the happiest person, jolly natured very friendly and outgoing. But for this moment was withered with the pain inflicted upon him. I asked him if I can sit with him for some while.

I took the lighter from him. He had a customized Zippo. I always wanted to own a Zippo. The fear of getting caught by guardians was graver than the contentment of owning it. Zippo was grafted with the letter “S” on it. It was one of the most enthralling calligraphically written alphabets I have ever seen. For a smoker a lighter is an ice breaker. And just as rightly as I had guessed, I noticed that we where talking about the lighter. I briefly asked him from where he got it. He was playing with the lighter as if touching a person gently. I think he was feeling someone through the touch. He was lost I asked him again. Regaining himself back he said “it’s a Gift.”

I could not dig up more topics to start the conversation. His stillness has made my thoughts numb. After a moment he said this was my birthday gift. She gifted it to me. I enquired about their relation. He was quite and could not reckon the exact relation with her. After a while he said I really don’t believe in terminologies you see. You term a relationship and you think beyond, isn’t it unfair terming a relationship. I had nothing much to say than a nod of agreement. Then as if it was an opening to his heart he started wobbling out his thoughts emotions. Dude as much as I like the very thought and presence of her around me. I had no courage to make it up to her and express my heart out.

He placed his hand over my shoulder as if comforting me with the advice. His words were of such demanding scenery that would allow no wrong happening to me. The words of experience sound much profound. I finally gathered the courage of asking him for the discomforting level. He happened to have a no reason. And that was completely vague according to me. I thought he would be certainly foolish to dis-quantify the pain and mourn over it. I gazed at him with astonishment. He was not at all surprised. He had mastered the skill of putting people in the same scoop. I am sure after listening to all these no would bother to ask anything else. Instead of being quite I made an effort of dissecting him with my random questions.

He looked back into my eyes and said have you ever experienced something in your life which is beyond love? There was an insane commitment in his eyes. And I had my answer. No matter how much you try and run away, you will and shall be attached to that one miraculous feeling which shall drive your existence in the world. Putting the pain or love or any emotion in words binds the emotion to the extent of its meaning. I don’t know why he was sad but I know he was emotionally a distinct person. He had no disrespect, anger or ill fated actions or words for her. He was just so enthusiastic to make his point. The point really hard “He was in love” Rinku beta, Rinku beta she was fast asleep my 16 year old daughter. She didn’t listen to the complete story of her “Daada”. Her Daada was in love the only love of his life Rinku’s Mumma “Shweta”.

Fragrance of you

Mind full of thoughts
Agony of undone acts
Mysteries of your mind
Actions and plans
Lovely moments
With you around you
So much in pursuit
Reality in dispute
I see you across the table
I watch the glare in your eyes
A sunshine from a distant coast
Biting aspirations of your belongingness
Piercing me and hurting me
I run around like a maniac
I realize my heart beating faster
The fragrance of you stronger
Devoid if your thoughts for me
I hold your fragrance in me.

Soul Mating

Two of two we are, not the only two
but the most significant two.
You breathe my thoughts out
between your supple lips,
and fit into me like a lifetime
of clarity, just right, just right.

We are the current of the water,
pulling and pushing -
knowing exactly where we need to go,
and how to get there.
I inhale you like smoke,
pulling you into me, at times
desperate for the sheer need of you,
a divine whisper sating my aches.

One fused to another, jointed
in pleasure, bonded in love,
we are molten, consuming each other,
til my secrets lie buried
in you, as you are buried in me,
One of one to end all, be all - we are.

Justifications

Her face sunken in. We're all wondering if she's dying. Sick from something. Her family sick on something. The sixty year old little sister. Always the incompetent. Always the inferior. Less successful. Tragic stories of mediocrity filling pages of a deteriorating memoir. We all ask why she's losing so much weight and if she's been to the doctor. Decomposition setting in on all fronts. Big Sis's only response....

"No, she's starving to death. They haven't got any food down there."

"Then, why don't you help her out? She's your sister."

"I'm not feeding her two kids and her grandchild, too!"

She's not even half the world away. She's thirty miles down the highway yet completely out of reach. Visits her sister at least once a week. They share a cup of coffee; it's all her stomach can hold, shrunken as it is.

"Have you lost weight?"

She smiles, seemingly pleased with her "accomplishment." "I have, but I didn't think that anybody noticed."

She's a world away from salvation. She comes to its edge every week with physical evidence confessionals. Sits right there on that couch; on the edge, in case she must make a hasty retreat when her welcome has worn itself thin and out. An entire world away now. She'll never recover.

Help is on its way away.

Stop "Feeling Cheated"

Dear Bloggers,

Thank you for reading through all the incidences of “feeling cheated”. It was a joint effort and I thank Latika for making it happen. Infidelity is one of the most ruthless realities. I feel sorry for those people who have been through this fatal blow in life. Infidelity is a by product of that one irrational act done by a person, and devastating for others who are affected by this act. I wish to discontinue this topic for further discussions. Let’s turn our life to more joyous incidences and episodes of life. I am sure a lot many people out there are waiting for a reason to be happy.

Guys please free to suggest a topic which we can contribute upon

Keep drafting your thoughts before they vanish.

Thank you
Fanatic Psyche.

Feeling Cheated!

So here I am sitting at a beach café sipping some mild beer and gazing at my Laptop screen and wondering what to type. I was working on this project which I called Feeling Cheated! It is about Infidelity. I interviewed a lot of my friends who I knew have extra marital affairs and as for me every individual I meet is a specimen.

I was working on portraying a couple and writing about them. So I start writing and then stopped. Just can’t get words to begin, either the beer was too flat or my specimens were not effective. The writer in me was hiding away or may be it was not willing to come out. I am cursing myself and hitting my head to write.

And suddenly out of no where I see a beautiful lady somewhere in her late 30s walking in and sitting at a table next to me. She had nice long curl hair which would fall flat on her back. She definitely belonged to a good family. I kept wondering to myself, “My Gosh! Someone who marries her would be the luckiest man on earth. She was definitely someone who demanded to be shown off to your friends and be the best thing in your hand. Other than phone for sure… The priced possession!

So I suddenly realize it is bad to stare at a person I mean off course I won’t want to give her a wrong impression or something. But beauty no matter of what form, sex or kind it demands admiration and I won’t think twice before I admit. I admired her beauty. So there I am lighting a smoke for myself and trying to fit her in my story. I glanced at her again and saw something which I didn’t fairly notice in the first go.

Her eyes! No doubt she was sad. Her face didn’t have a glow or charm. She had a pale face and for sure eyes which demand sleep. It seemed she had been sleepless for a long time. And there came an opportunity to talk to her. While I lit my cigarette she took a cigarette for herself and was desperately searching for a lighter.

Without missing this opportunity to know my actor, I asked her “Would you like to share a light?” She glanced at me and in the saddest of tone without a smile said “Thank you!” I saw her face real close this time and I couldn’t help asking, “I’m sorry I must admit I have been staring at you for quite sometime. I am a writer by profession and I am working on topic, let’s say doing a research. I can’t help asking you this, but is everything alright with you?”

Without a breath or voice she started crying. Now for a fact I was sure that nothing I said was offensive and something which might have provoked her to cry. I shifted my seat and held her hand and asked, “Sorry Lady! Are you alright? I didn’t mean to offend you in any way.” Sobbing and trying to clear her throat she said, “You could see the pain my eyes and my Love who has been with me for over 14 years can’t see it anymore. There were times wherein my silence would alert him and now even if I scream in pain it doesn’t matter.” I could not help but probing a little more. I did finally found my specimen, my ideal couple for my last sequel on Infidelity. So here I am asking her the story which has turned her in to a zombie.

Natasha my admiringly charming lady was married to Rohit for 7 years. It was a love marriage but before that the courtship period went on for 7 years. There was not a single day in their life which they spent apart. There was not a single moment when they did not communicate. Well after marriage there were some changes as the responsibilities of the whole family came in to picture. Rohit had less of Natasha and when she needed Rohit he was always at work or a meeting or a conference or may be sleeping.

There were times when weekends were the busiest as he would go to his friends or go golfing or arrange for a private party. Natasha utilized all her energy in being a good wife a good mother and a good daughter-in-law. She did not leave a single stone unturned to figure out what would make the family happy. She gave up her career to take care of the house and Rohit’s needs. She gave up her outings with friends to take care of the Kid’s needs. Now what else was left?

She gave up on so many things that she forgot she was the only one left now. After handling so many challenges at home and still not being able to meet husband’s basic demands was killing her from within. She thought of making up to him one day. She planned the family trip for a gathering very well. As they left the house and reached half way to the venue she complained of headache and opted out of the ceremony willing to go home.

She catches a taxi and heads off home. All the while she is thinking of the time they would be able to spend together. The passion which had been dead for over years would finally rise up. She slowly steps in to the house and walks towards her bedroom thinking her Husband’s asleep.

Asleep for sure but with someone else, no one but her own best friend! Shocked as though she had seen a ghost and surprised to have seen her 14 year long relation dissolve like salt in water she stood there. She turns around and walks out of the house never to have returned there. She is still alone and not even thinking of the kid neither her family. She still cries and says, “I felt so cheated!”

I felt cheated!

Second Experience

I am a person of mistakes and mistakenly I don’t learn from my mistakes. What a mistaken statement I need a psychiatrist is what I keep on telling myself when I analyze the facts of the life versus my standing. Too low for a standing in life. When I look for the consequential theory of why my life is moving low.

Like a person who digs up a grave to make a zombie, I have dug in my own grave and made a zombie out of me. Everyone digs in the past life the dark side. Association with the pain is the passion, and with that passion I am surviving. I have ghastly relationship this term named “Love”.

I always cursed myself for being a complete looser with Love. I was once termed as a play boy. Someone who cannot live without women a complete womanizer. Some of my best friends are girls. For a fact I am happy I don’t swing the other way. I am still attracted to women. There is something in them, it’s like you are working in a honey farm and likes to be stung. The feeling of working in a fire works factory and bursting a cracker with the same excitement.

I like it that way. So here is my Story. I have had over 3 relations in the last 2 years. All of them left me. Why? May be because I am not too good for them, may be because I am not worth it, may be because I pampered them too much or may be because I am a little too possessive. Now again the definition of possessiveness is something which is different for me. For me tightening the leash when required is important. For me telling your partner that I exist is important. For me telling the person you are the only is important. Is this asking for too much? I am sure you must be thinking, “The perfect guy to live with!” may be they had different plans.

Anyways so here I am, having a lovely affair with my love. I am holding her in my arms and looking at the hot day end to a beautiful starry night. The beautiful moon, the cold wind and the very feeling of being close to the loved one. I am enjoying it. 6 months and still going. Every day is like a new beginning, every kiss is like the first kiss, every sigh is like the feeling of being complete. It’s just too good. I am sipping on the wine and thinking whether to ask her to marry me as she is just the right one for me. So I plan it.

I ask her to meet me at the Mirage the next day at around 7pm. I call the hotel and book a presidential suite. I crunch every expense to buy her a ring which enhances her beauty. I get her favorite must burnt on a CD and make arrangements for the best wine available. I get champagne ready and flowers. Off course no date is complete without flowers. It is the second most beautiful thing on earth. The first one is my love off course.

I still remember the 1st time I meet her. We had met through the most imprudent way of communication “Internet”. It was a week of the verbiage exchange and we decided to catch up at Barista. I was worried and was anticipating the fact will she like me? Will she be comfortable with me? Will she like the way I look at her? And countless questions like these. The very fact of disliking forced me in writing a story on my cell phone. Then she opened the door and like the wild storm entered my life. She was smile, she was sunshine, she was star, she was moon, she was the river, she was the lovely breeze, she was the passionate touch. She was the storm full of life which had sparked my life.

She walks in and is excited as though she knows what’s on my mind and gives me the longest hug on earth. I can still feel her heart beating next to mine. She kisses me and I make her sit. She’s holding my hand and says, “So honey you finally realize what I have been waiting for. It’s like a dream come true. Oh god! This has been the best day in my life.” Suddenly I realize things can certainly change and yes there is love for sure.

I smile with a twinkle in my eye and say, “baby I’ve got a gift for you.” She says, “me too!” it was a moment when I felt she could read my mind and it was not only me but she had plans for us. For a moment the “I” and “you” factor dissolved and I could see “we”. I reach my pocket and she reaches her handbag. She takes out an envelope and says I’ve got it honey, I finally got promoted to the level I have always strived for and I shall be moving to Bangalore office very soon. I put the ring back in my pocket and though I had tears in my eyes I smiled and showered my happiness. After all seeing your love happy and taking part in her happiness is the most important part of any relation. So there she goes. She spends most of her left over time with me and I still haven’t asked her to marry me.

So here we are at the airport and I see her happier than ever. Somehow I couldn’t stop myself, though no fancy arrangement and no music and no silence I popped in the question, “Darling, we’ve spent almost 7 months of awesome time and I am somehow getting used to you. I love the way I feel when we’re together. I love your eyes, people say they are small but for me they are full of passion the spark which enhances me every time I look at you, I love your fingers long pointing, I love when you speak with the modulated voice. You know honey above all it’s just about you being around, and that’s what matters the most. We’re so free. Hence I would like to ask you, will you be there to free me for the rest of our lives?” she walks away.

I am hurt and devastated. I should’ve seen it coming I mean it was too early. How could I ignore it? The phone rings it’s her. She apologizes and says, “Darling I am here in Bangalore and I would be back in a year if you can wait.” I found my life back. The assurance was the only thing I needed. I think it was just assurance which had helped me survive. I used to call her everyday. In fact we used to speak for at least three times in a day.

Three times in a day reduced to two times in a week, then to once in a week and then to once in fifteen days. I waited for her to come back and then the time approaches. Just a month left for her to come back. I call her and she ignores my phone calls, then I call again and no one answers. I call her in the night and her phone is busy and that kept on happening……………

My dreams shattered, my hopes crushed and my visions faded. That’s what I felt. A pain so deep that I could not see it coming. A pain so deep that…

Feeling Cheated…

First Experience
“Have you ever realized we’ve spent almost two years of seeing each other? Our first date, the first kiss, the first rain, the long walks, don’t you miss them? Why don’t we have them more often these days? You’ve been really busy these days. Honey! I’ve missed missing you. Now-a-days I’m getting used to your absence.” She was trying to fight back her tears and not be too pushy. She knew he hates all these questions.

”Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday my beloved! I am so sorry love to have missed your calls, and for not have responded to all your messages and emails. It’s just that I have been knee deep in work sweetheart. Sorry darling, I would make sure I make it up to you…” overjoyed she forgot her pain and worries and started again, “honey! You remembered? Oh my god! Thank you baby as ever you are the first one to wish me… I love you!”

The conversation went on for minutes and then hours and then till the break of dawn. They had promised each other to stop fighting and start afresh. A new year, a new life! She had it all planned.
Being sleepless but still excited for her evening date she dragged herself out of the bed to head off to work. On her way she was thrilled to respond to all her messages and calls. In the back of her mind she had him. She was recollecting the conversation they had last night and she felt butterflies in her stomach. The same feeling she had when they met for the first time. A little excited and a lot nervous. She was thinking about their first kiss. The way she enjoyed it and how she wanted more of it, every touch was like a reincarnation...

Back at work she was greeted with her friends and colleagues with bouquets, gifts and hugs. With the same thrill she heads back to her desk and breaths a sigh of relief. She’d never felt this way before. Something was different. They day just seemed so perfect. She had everything organized and was sure about the fact that she would head off for her date at 5pm as planned and then spend the whole night with her love.

She started thinking and fantasizing of what he might have planned. She imagined a nice candle lit dinner. Then thought of flowers and then how they would get cozy. She started blushing coz she remembers how satisfied and how complete she feels when he’s with her.

As the time approaches she starts skipping her heartbeat and the phone rings. It’s her boss. Excited she picks up the phone and the voice on the other end says, “We’ve had a small problem with the Manchester office. Could you speak with Julianne and resolve it for us. I am sure it won’t take more then 3 hours.”

Sad but left with no choice she agrees. She calls him and it’s the answering machine, “Honey! Sorry darling, I would be a little late today. There seems to be some issue going on with Manchester will have to resolve it. Baby could you please delay the arrangements by 3 hours. I should be done by then. Thank you love Bye.”

She tried to concentrate but could not. She forces herself but couldn’t get a solution. Leveraging the opportunity and occasion of her birthday she re-schedules the meetings for the next day and leaves from the office. Thinking of how surprised he would be to see her there. It is fun to give surprises at times! She hurries and reaches his place.

She fixes her hair, puts on his favorite perfume un-creases her dress and knocks. He opens her door. Instead of a smile she had tears in her eyes. Her dreams and hopes came crashing down. Her life ended there. Everything seemed to have faded…

She felt Cheated!

Emptiness

Hello Readers,

This is not a poetry nor a story it is something that we feel deep within us... There is this sudden silence which grips us and we feel so empty. No thoughts to ponder, No words to share, just an emptiness we carry when rest are at play...

This one is dedicated to everyone who have felt the emptiness...

Living single is not as great as the feeling of being free…
No Commitments,
No one to stop you from talking to people,
No one asking you to come home early,
No one telling you to do things their way

Just the thought of it makes me high…

I ask myself are you happy? Do you have everything? Is this what you always wanted?

And then something hits me like a hangover from a last night’s party…
I wake up to the feeling of being alone with a heavy head grabbing a cup of coffee and looking at my bed… EMPTY!

That’s what I feel… empty!

I miss the feeling of being asked,
I miss the feeling of being warm in a long cold night,
I miss the feeling of being secure
I miss missing someone for all that I know…

Now is this better than being free…

I would love to be dominated by a body that I need more than it needs me.
I would love to be awake all night just feeling a sweet pain gripping me.
I would love to be asked where are you going and when are you coming back not with envy or dominant factor but with a need in the voice that is asking me. It says, “You are the only one I have but you have so many”

Is that asking for too much from someone…?
Then why is it that I am still left alone… ?
You can’t share everything with everyone, for this you really need someone who can tell you looking in your eyes that you are the only one.

Fear! Is the response that I get from my mind…
It is telling me you are scared not to get in a relation but get involved and be left once again to be alone…
I keep telling myself how much have I tried to forget my past but as it is said history repeats itself… it keeps coming back… haunting me! Whispering in my ears, "I am coming for you"

Once again the fear grabs me… The thrill of being abused holds me so tight that I grasp for breath… Something keeps pulling me back.

Then you come by with your warm touch and say don’t worry it’s just a bad dream…

It’s all over and hold me close to you…

A sigh of relief so great that I just drop dead…

No one knows your value better than me…

No one knows what you mean to me better than my mind, body and soul which have your name drafted on it…

Tell me where are you? How do I find you…? I need you… Come to me and show yourself.
I wake up again to an empty bed…

Cheers!

Untamed Thoughts

I thought a zillion times on how to start my day,
Somehow the person I hate the most always crossed my way.
Cursed them in heart saying gosh! There goes the black cat again,
It never crossed my mind on which words should I refrain.

I wondered how to grow?
And I said, “By showing all that I know.”
I said to myself forget the hard work lets make it simple in life.
Then reality struck lifestyle has gone too high.

It was so difficult but then I realized hard work pays.
Started singing prayers to leave all the dismay.
I started remembering all that I see when I climb the ladder.
Just in case my luck seems sadder.
So no more black cats and no more demons,
I became a friend of my own creations.

Remember one fact which might take you high.
Always have tequila with one part lime....

Fanatic Psyche!

The first thing I did when I saw Nikhil's mail to join this blog was re-confirm my understanding of the name of this shared blog! 'Fanatic Psyche' - A human mind or soul motivated by irrational enthusiasm!

Ahem!!! Why this name Niks? Was it just about the fancy name or.... And it set it me thinking in various directions -
1) may be he just wanted to make it sound fancy...like I remember I had really struggled to find a fancy name for mine! Infact I remember breaking my brains to make it sound very literary and deep rooted and all! huh!!!

2) is Nikhil planning to make this a mad people place...where crazy people write their thoughts cos there is no other place / person who hears them out! LOL!!! and if this is the case...is Nikhil sure that I am one of such cases? Oouch!!!

3) If Nikhil did approach me in first place...am I really a fanatic? Do I look, sound, behave like one? I am unaware of any such signals being given out by me! Infact I look at myself as someone who is not enthusiastic about regular things in life...leave alone rational. With this background how can I be a 'Fanatic'? No...something is wrong...I'll have to figure out now!

Anyways, hope i find an answer!

Ok wait...hold on!!! I know it! I just wrote a blog on the most irrational thought!!! Name of a blog and the psyche behing that name...

Oh no! Thanks Nikhil...for exposing me to this side of my psyche ;)

I'll be a fanatic and contribute to the joint venture regularly!

Killing Me

Work is killing me and taking my case big time. It’s banging me hard against the merciless wall. It’s slapping me every next moment; It’s hitting me with a whip soaked in salt and chilly powder, the blow of a whip is so devastating that it’s taming a tiger in me who is so reluctant of behaving in an advised manner. Work is making me feel like a punching bag people come and hit me and have there dosage of delightful pleasure. My blood is running swiftly to the head and I can experience my head has now turned into heart, and has started propelling with great intensity. I can feel every nerve wedged packed with blood and ticking every second as if the countdown to a blast. I wish the head to smashes off and with the blood shattered around I am sure it will be a lovely blueprint. The blueprint which will portrait the frustration, so sluggish, so random, so fuming. The aftermath of such an incidence is lying down calmly after the rigorous action. Wow getting f…. is really satisfying.

New Card in Life

I play my life like cards,
Three to go and I bet my life,
I hold no fear of calling a spade a spade.
With shuffles every move gives a new twist to life.
Every card holds a life to me.
Every card has a story to say.
Some black and some red the passion the darkness.
Move and flip them as you need.
Cards thought me to be content and happy with what you hold.
Reshuffling and fitting them right is the secret to win.
Moving them up and down on priority lines.
Helps you decide what you crave and what’s divine.
I keep moving with the moving cards.
Pick them up and decided
I will stay on earth or I shall go to Mars.
Be calm with every card, it yield a lot when given a thought.
Like the latest card in my life.
I reshuffle myself to get adjusted with hoping life.
The card shall surely fit in right.
I shall gather the strength to oppose and fight.
I hold this lovely card and wish to be all in red.
The passion to live life and color my life with passion.

Fanatic Psyche

I use this blog to vend out my heart in my own way an abstract fashion which might sound completely weird and Un-contemporary. I might write of instances, emotions, empathy, laughter, cry, evil, sarcasm, love, ghost, deceit, compassion, poetry, short stories, micro stories, insane thoughts actions and surgical reactions. All in all I can be myself in words. This blog is dedicated to all the people who have dragged me into the act of vending my mind on the paper. People who have helped me discover myself. Thank you guys n gals. The Unforeseen as I call you all. This blog is completely vague and out of the world. It's need a bit of inhuman to understand the human........................ So let the journey begin.

photograph courtesy: Rajesh Nair