Torne Apart

I know this blog of mine is a secret device of emanating the most toxic things that are happening with in me. I hate the current situation that i am going through for the matter of fact i never thought that i will be subject to such a situation. The propositions i had earlier were all welcoming and assuring, i thought that things will be better them as well. But i was wrong about it the whole concept on the basis of which the life revolves is completely missing. The trust and the respect are the two most vital thing in a relationship. They are the factors which help bind or mend a relationship.Relationship are like double edged sword when in extremes may create or destroy. This very blog is the creation of a magical relation that surfaced for a wile and went under ground. But why will a person i mean your partner tore you apart and share the whole story to a person who is not a family member.

I am being exposed by my dear partner to the world who is always ready to know what bad has happened to you. and is always ready to say kya chutiya hai yaar. Its a chutiytich situation for me now. why don't people understand that they are not aways right. I cant afford to stay with the god stay with the person who is perfect. I just have to stay my way. Its only one reason why i am trapped once i ensure a better future for him i shall just walk out of it. My heart is clouded now thoughts and emotions that i almost feel claustrophobic. I need to breathe, oh mercy help me with the way out of it, i just cant believe of staying with that person any more.

A way shall be carved.....

"no stick policy"

I had got into the habbit of putting my toughts through words dont know if that right or wrong. But i prefer it that ways. Over a period of time the happy realisation acquired is to not follow the "stick policy" yes Lets Go on!!!! is the phrase. Never did i think that i will be getting commited......but i was wrong and i could only realise this fact after i gave an oppurtunity for worst episodes to vanish. Bad time also have to go he is much eager to leave, its just that we ask him to stay. We hold upon to it unneccesarily.

Rain

Rains makes me wet
And with memories I am left
Rains make me sweat
And reminds me of action infinite
Rains make me hate
The touch I cannot forget
Rains agitate
The more I think the less I get
Rains teaches a lesson
Cleanse and get ready for the season
The season of infatuation
The season full of existence
Rains give me the motive
The motive to subsist

Composing

I see symphonies in the clouds,
violin bows drifting in ancient time,
my mind's eye time lapses -
and the music plays as I watch.

A synthetic wind from passing cars
blows my hair keeping time,
it metronomes my cheek
silently keeping the rythmn.

My soul makes this music from nothing,
out of the day I play internally,
the notes unsounded aloud --
are still astonishingly beautiful.

Purely coincidental as it may seem

Purely coincidental as it seems
Incidences are not just they seem
Nothing just happens
Everything that happens has a reason
And therefore…..I am alive too
Purely coincidental as it may seem

Broken hearts and tears around
Note the coincidence that surrounds
If you cannot face the pain
Your old self....You'll never regain!
You might blame it on the game
But if you don’t learn...the incident might happen again
Purely coincidental as it may seem

I remember the time I met her,
I remember the eyes that looked into mine!
But the thought of coincidence, refrained my heart,
And now with wounded heart my eyes rain...
Don't blame it on just happening things
Life is not coincidence as it may seem.

Lot 56

It was Sotheby’s
where they sold off
the last of you and me.

You stunned me
with it, breathless,
it’s nothing,
you said.

I would scarcely admit it,
how deep it touched me,
how I ran my fingers over it -
something for my Doll.

Dark brown
to match your eyes,
and I smiled that smile
that you love.

Long after there were nights
I held onto it, a glimmer
in my eyes, as I missed
and missed you.

My Love Life

I am just a black eyed tragedy,
surrounded by luck in everything
except love, in this I crash and burn.

I never seem to be able to love
someone enough, or is it -
that I love too much, either way...

I lose and lose and when I think
I can't lose anymore I lose again,
my heart is never free.. always it dictates.

Orders passed down through lifetimes,
cosmic imperatives, mystic objectives
that must come to be in this universe,

These things lead me back to you,
and I can't give you up even though
I've tried, but in reality - its simple --

I just can't bare to part with you,
I don't want to be without you -
Its like a sunflower trying to live without the sun.

I need you to make sense of my day,
to understand how I remember things
I couldn't possibly know, and yet I do.

Save me from myself, pick me up
once again like I am the only thing
that matters, wipe away the soot.

Tower Bound

Night drags in and I kick the walls,
but you do not hear me, I wait
in the silence of the dark, skin
itching creeping on the underside.

I am born and broken every glance,
nothing new I've been here before,
suitors at the door and I am lying
on the floor, unable to scratch
that twitch, the itch.

I exhale in moans not meant to be heard
that echo into the night like phermones
set free, seeking and searching as I
sit in my tower ignoring the knocking,
paying no attention to the bleeding walls,
and my hands hurt, short and cut.

I threw my red vase against the wall,
and it splatterstained that awful red,
staring at me, blaming me in raised voices
and still there is nothing I can do but wait,
as the door breathes and the walls press in,
seeking that seductive voice I thought I hid so well.

The Dancer

Don't cry Juliette, just keep dancing,
if you turn fast enough no one can see
your tears, you can hide yourself
amongst the confusion.

Dance your broken heart Juliette,
they watch with eager eyes,
embrace the pain, tell your
story within the lines of movement.

You make breaking an art,
they stare in awe,
such appreciation as you fall,
but no one helps you up – just applause.

Excuse me please: All That Remains...

Excuse me please: All That Remains... good one buddy

On Peacock Lane

The old oak is draped
in Spanish moss
under whose shade,
we lay.

Two bodies
lying crosshatched,
point of intersections,
intimacy of avenues,
boulevard of contented sighs,
we are lulled by the sounds
of blue-greened fowl.

Dancing in arrogant male fashion
each has their particular swagger
plumed and crested, preening
to look their best, all in the hopes
of a quick coupling.

You too have preened and pranced
to look your best, my eyes
attest your truth, unable to look
away, I have been lured, wooed
and so I lie in your arms.

Keep on Shining

I tacked the moon to my door
with a thin silver nail, it shines
there still, full and round.

I sit by dad on the couch,
his hair filled with thin silver
nails, his eyes are tired
but still we watch old movies
starring Elvis.

Mom sighs seeing Elvis,
he still makes her heart race
I sometimes see her look
at dad that way.

I watch them together
laughing and smiling,
"I am glad my daughter
can see love like that."

I sit in the glow
of TV light alone;
bed has called all
away save me.

All that is left
is that paper moon,
the silver nail, and
Elvis in black and white.

The Old Water Oak

A green waterfall of moss
flows down the uneven trunk
of the trinity of branches
grown together fused
into a single limb.

His natural cracks lined
deeper hues of grays and browns,
his bark freckled with pale bluegray
lichens covers his upward spreading branches
fanning out like an umbrella skeleton,
stretched under those emerald almond leaves.

I watch the sun shifting shadows
through his leaves, molting his skin
in warm shapes of light that move
with the breeze, and when the clouds
come, he is covered in darkness
like a shroud, but he is darkest
when it rains, stained in near black
tones of brown, he takes no cover
but stands in the rain.

Random wild thoughts

To the wild child……………………and trust me till date I have not found a word synonymous to wild child. Hence i better stick to the term "Wild Child" With her intense terminologies she deforms you in the cozy touch. Then splendidly comes the blow. The axe and two parts. Every part watching carefully, observing. Not the distance but the ordinariness they felt when engulfed. The agitation so quite. The fire so cold. The ice so dry. Words that never lie. The vision so crippled and a lighthouse. Nomads to the direction of there house. Blood marking the footnote. Rains so salty. Some day withered in the pain one shall reach the destiny.

This is dedicated to your poetries. Not that i excatly feel the same when i read all of them, but just a fragment of what came to my mind is displayed here.
Forgiveness be tendered*...............my words are at you mercy.

* just in case if you mind what i have written.

Ivy’s Poison Spreads Vegetatively - 2

Tongue pierced Alice Ivy
wrong side of the tracks
takes several trips
to set the stage.

Wash your hands
of mother’s words
just come home.

Snake charming
she moves
clad in pearl strands
flipping the moon.

Only on stage
Alice Ivy finds
a way to slip
into wonderland.

Juvenile Leaves Creeping - 1

Alice Ivy wonderland,
blue haired hare,
she spoke softly
when she said
my name.

Down the drain -
down with pain,
swallow it now
Ivy Alice.

Dance naked
tattooed paradise,
Tiptop toes
and killer kisses,
sell me your sadness.

A dime
bag of memories,
cold Alice in the ground
Ivy grows on her grave
she beckons me
to wonderland.

We Danced Like Intended

You wrote your name skillfully
on every ruled line in my dance card,
your eyes burning into me as your hand
mechanically flowed down in a fury of pen strokes.

My lips parted, a slight disbelief
at your presumption to fill all my time,
and you smiled that devilish wicked curve
across your alluring face, my heart
dared not to breath out or breath in
in that spanse of moments, and I
became light-headed in a rush
of attraction highs.

You paid no attention to anyone else
I was your only interest,
you claimed me dance after dance
as the others watched on in envy -
envy of you taking me in your arms,
envy of me being held by you,
envy of the friction building within motions,
envy of the smoldering chemistry
that left onlookers heaving with desire.

My body responded to yours,
to every slight of movement
as if you had always commanded it,
I could only think of the closeness,
the way you smelled, the tension,
that look in your eyes.

Every part of me quivered
with anticipation as the night climaxed
the dancing done, we two on the veranda.
I leaning back against the corner post
covered in climbing jasmine, sweet
the fragrance mingled in the night,
you pressed in, a breath from my lips
as you charmed me with your smile again
making my knees go weak, and I
look into your eyes telling you I am yours
completely, you claim your kiss
savage, deep, unbridled as your spirit,
pushing the length of your body to mine,
and I am undone, I am ruined in that moment -
your kiss has imprinted upon my very soul,
and as you pull away, running into the black of night,
a tear escapes my delicate lashes, for the beauty,
the sensuality, the way you took
dance after dance, the way you claimed
me in a single kiss.

Yet Again

Stormed my life
With the wind
Shattered glass
Trickling blood
Drop by drop
Homicidal attribute
With that gaze
And that grin
I forbid you
From wandering
With the lethal weapon
And the lifeless cry
I open the door
Yet again

Big Boss Season 1 – (My Pangeans)

The moment I listen to these words Big Boss. I am showered with the memory of Big Boss season-1 in which I was one of the participants. The most rocking ever. It all started with my come back to Pangea after the deceitful return of venturing my opportunities outside Pangea. I owe a big thank to Anthony who helped me get in again and bestowed in me the confidence and waved me to “The” most important project of Pangea. Few people in Pangea where selected for that project and the list was out much before I joined Pangea. My entry in the project was like a wild card entry on a 1st day ( I know according to the rule book of Big Boss there is no wild card on the 1st day but I just want to honor myself by adding a feature to my cap.)
We all were sent to our old office back in Makers Chamber. There were mixed reactions of people who had come there. Amongst the people in the project there were very few I knew and the rest where like completely novel to me. My manager was Miss Rachita Maker, till some point of time in life I was surviving under the impression that she is in some way connected to the person who owns Makers Chamber. Rachita was the person who was the tipping point for my journey with Pangea she was the person who interviewed me.

Day 1

I wish I could name the project. Confidentiality is the vertebrae of legal profession and wish to profess the same…..so I better restrain or rather abstain myself from doing so. We had a person named Mr. Seth flying from US to tender us the required training. And we in turn were responsible to carve the product well and present the fantastic work product with no mistake. even a comma or a full stop; I think I should stop it now. The day before Anthony told me to be at the office at 9.00 am sharp. After the formal round of introduction by Anthony the training session started. The training commenced in a common board room which was multi functional and multi dimensional, Oh! I got a term for that, “optimum utilization of a resource”

Now about our work stations and why I call it “Big Boss”, bound by the obligation of our clients, our work station where setup in a room which was completely under vigilance a strange eye was always watching us through a closed circuit television. Moreover we where not allowed to take our cell phone or any device which would help virtual transmission of data. Now completely a big boss scenario, add to the flavor we where 13 characters in the project when it took off.

The organic growth

The training session went on for almost a week’s time and everyone was organically growing with the project, individually, and as team. I meet few new people whom I had seen around in office and had never spoken to. We all hold a pre-conceived notion about a person before even we could speak to them and a project like this helped break that barrier. I had never known so many people better at the same time. Man it was an experience and I think it holds true for everyone who was part of that project. Finally the project started and we where glued to our machines, the catch of this project was there were dual monitors to every CPU and two people at a time where supposed to work on a document. This was almost like a dual headed person, which created a lot of problems initially, but was later discovered as device of mutual connection and understanding. For people who disliked it was more of ‘Do it’ thing without an excuse.

Topics of discussion

As much as we had fun in the project, the work we did was a task in itself, and to get it off what can be better than a sutta break. Almost everyone in the team was a suttebaz except the few, who eventually joined the group as passive smokers. This was the place with sutta and some exquisite range of coffees served by our own Laljibhai. We also had a sutta art which was engrafted on one of the walls. Big Boss season was the topic of discussion and everyone had his/her own favorite character, some how people started identifying each other as characters of BB. Rivya (Rakhi Sawant) with her nautanki-baz jokes, songs and episodes almost kick-started the session and she used to make sure that everyone present there was involved in it. By just saying “Suno Na”. The only person who disliked discussion about the holy topic of BB was Nimish; he dislikes things that are commonly liked, thus making him a distinguished character. And later the topic moved from latest news to someone’s mental impression to anything and everything.

I still remember Maniti sharing her Mom’s & Dad’s romantic time especially the song “hai hai yeh majburi” and also the trip. Maniti and her fatal words were just like greeting and no one could ever feel bad about them. And to shake off the boredom there was a punch line “Zindagi Zandua”. The standard answer for any question which was raised to Kamal was standard………………”Standard Hai”

@ Work

At our work stations everyone was dedicated, working to finish the project successfully. I had the pleasure of meeting the fastest human being ever Vicky (Meghana). Vicky had finished everything almost in half time and we realized it when we saw the logs at the end of the day. She was just too good and I think 20% of the project was done by Vicky and her partner initially. Her skill undoubtedly made her the QA and she was given the liberty to work individually. Anumeha always helped me with ratifications. We made a template which was used as a precedent for copy pasting sessions. There where few catch word which we eventually found out “consent unreasonably withheld”, “15 days”, “weather” my team would surely know what it means. I had a Google account which indicated the date of birth of renowned people; I realized that it was Einstein’s birthday and just thought of celebrating it and celebration turned into a greeting “Happy Birthday Einstein” which most of us share, Vishal’s girlfriend’s birthday is on the same day so he might have had double celebrations.

The Matrix dream

The work started happening with the fullest effect and the so was the review. We all were vigilant about the red slots on the log. It was the time in the project when there was miscommunication of what was conveyed to us. Rachita was pissed off with this and started retaliating to that effect. And this was the topic of discussion that whole day. The day ended in the most trilling way as it used to end on the project. That day was one of the fortunate days when there were no conflicting program on television and I had no interest clashes with my folks. I had the complete freedom of watching the movie (Matrix) in solace. I was completely soaked in the movie (Matrix) and was carefully watching the movie as if I was all set to write a review. I slept with a heavy head, which made me have a Matrix dream that night. The Pangean ship was attached by the agent. We ran and there was a chase. At the end there was some kind of super power and we won. The other day when I came to office. I saw my office folks discussing the same issue. I was embarrassed to share my dream at that time. But as the time went by I was comfortable with this group and I shared my dream with them. Just as the way I was excited they were also excited. The best thing that happened in these days of project was every one was on the same page and could know each other better, which is like an impossible thing in this era.

Foodilicous and fun session

Substantial amount of time in a week was spent together. Everyone was taking care and nurturing the eating habits in the team. It all started with a connoisseur of food undoubtedly Mr. Nimish. He was well abreast of which place serves the best of what. So our lunches included royal cuisines specially ordered from Zaffran, Status, Mc Donald, Relish etc. Almas also treated the whole team with the delicacies made by her mom. The crab biryani was the most rocking thing that I ever had till date…….Almas your mom gets a five star rating. Most of our weekend lunch session happened at Relish. After the heavy lunch sessions the team geared back to work or rather got ready for evening snacks with bhelpuri, papdi chat, Sev Puri, idli and sandwich. The evening times were the most amazing ones…….with the oldies and goldies of 70’s & 80’s we all know what was that session about also the famous dialogue “Na tu atti hai na Maut aati hai”. The thing most shocking then was about Maniti I never thought she would sing old song so melodiously I really appreciate that.


Dangerous Moments and Party scenes

Dear Samrat I hope you are really doing well in UK, dude you are one person who created the history. You had taken that Herculean step for which the whole of Manhood be proud of. (Kidding) Samrat never lost his temper even being a short tempered person, but I don’t know what went wrong that day but whatever………… its life and it happens koi baat nahin….. Laale.
Beedi jalaie, Sutta na mila this was like our national anthems we danced liked as if the song was crafted for us. Can’t write much about the party because after some time at the party I forgot what happened, no one did.

New folks and the end

The project was extended and some new lovely folks where added to the gang.
Nirvan, Reshmi, Sachin, Shefali, Anisha (Melody Queen)….. And forgive me if have missed someone. It was a junior senior scenario for sometime but thing became normal usual and the differences where waived of by time.
And such was the gang and the project ended with lots of fun in frolic, much as the last moment which I missed due to some reasons. But all in all

****THOSE WERE THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE****

27

I am twenty seven
And completely woven
In the tangles of thoughts
Of complexities and what not
Why can’t I be a normal being?
And be like a human being
Why do I care about less important things?
And ill thoughts keep lingering
To prove the difference
I am indifferent